What I'm about to say will probably be a shock to most of you. When I first found out, I wasn't sure how I felt, but after letting the facts sink in, I knew that I had to be true to myself and my friends. You may want to sit down for this...
After reviewing both empirical and circumstantial evidence, and running at least two regressions, I have discovered that the true origins of Wendy J. Skoczen can be traced to New Jersey with 99.8% accuracy. I know, I know. I felt the same way when I found out, so I double checked the analysis. As always, no mistakes had been made. Wendy J. is definitely from New Jersey.
Taking a closer look, one notices that the first initial of Wendy's middle name is "J". It's interesting how no one seems to know what the J stands for. Well, I'm here to tell you... It stands for Jersey. Yeah, a little bit of my soul just escaped. Because that's what happens when you say Jersey, cross the Ben Franklin without having to pay a toll, watch a Rutgers highlight on Sports Center, and cast your eyes upon a heavily makeuped and bejeweled bargoyle that's wearing hoop earrings.
Upon further inspection of the interloper's name, one finds that the first 3 letters of Wendy, spell "New" backwards. Coincidence? Absolutely not. For those of you who have read The Da Vinci Code, you know that this is conclusive evidence in support of my theory that Wendy's birthplace and favorite geographical region is indeed New Jersey.
As these peculiarities unfolded, I began to notice other clues that point to Wendy's overall Jersey Girl attitude and stylings. Obviously she is in denial about the embarrassing fact that she is from New Jersey otherwise, why would she be so adamant about hating it? I mean, my friends and I make snide remarks about the Dirty Jerz, but Wendy's comments are so over the top that I think she's trying to hide something. That something is her birth certificate that was issued in New Jersey. It's sad really. She's leading a double life. You can tell that the only reason she is a music librarian is to add a little class to her otherwise unclassy interests and origins. This is a noble but desperate act. I'd probably do the same thing if I were in her designer impostor shoes.
At this point, I invite all of you to share your stories and anecdotes that may help further solidify my thesis, as I will be turning it in to my advisor at the University of Phoenix Online in approximately 2 weeks.
1 comment:
My poor sad David. Apparently your cruelness is as vast as my hatred for the NJ. I have posted a response to this pack of lies on my blog. I expect a retraction.
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